I condemn you to hades

Middle of the night... 60ish year old white guy walks into the ER through the ambulance bay carrying a lady of about the same age in his arms like a baby. Thinking she was dead or something, several of us ran over.

"Sir, sir... what's going on??"

"Well you see. This is my wife. 'Bout once a year or so she just does this. The doctors say she's cat-o-ton-ic or some such. Pretty sure that just means crazy. But she'll wake up in a few days."

He lays her on a stretcher, write his phone number down on the white board in the room, and walks out, saying, "Y'all just call me whenever she wakes up."

This lady is not actually catatonic. She does a fairly good job of playing possum, but when you sneak your eyes open to peek at me when you think my back is turned, I can tell you're faking. But she was determined to keep up her charade, so we just kind of worked around her.

So I'm sitting on one of those roll-y stools, drawing blood out of her hand. One of the techs is standing up near her head chatting with me. She literally hadn't moved in the past 2 hours or made any noise. So we both turned towards her when suddenly she yanked all of her limbs inward, sort of fetal position-esque, and made a noise that can only be described as a cross between a pterodactyl attacking and a dying pig.

Then she flung all of her limbs out, punching Jack the tech in the face and kicking me square in the chest. Jack gets knocked against the sink, whereas I went flying backwards, falling off the stool when I hit the glass door of the room. I lost consciousness briefly from my head hitting the glass and/or the floor. Five seconds later, I wake back up to Mrs. Catatonia pouncing on me on the floor. She starts clawing my face and neck. And then she moves on to attempt to strangle me, speaking her first real words of the night.

"I condemn you to Haaaaaadesssssss."

Around about then, Jack came to his senses, grabbed her off me and threw her back on the bed. Simultaneously about 30 other staff members came running in because of the ruckus.

It's kind of funny now. It wasn't really funny then. Let me tell you, there's not much in life scarier than a wild-eyed crazy lady jumping on top of you and condemning you to Hades.

PS: This story is way better when I tell it verbally. Say "I condemn you to Haaaaaaadessss," in a creepy, gravelly voice. And picture this: