Cap'n Coronary, the Tugboat Captain

Spitting image of the Cap'n

Cap'n Coronary was a patient in my unit for about a week. He needed cardiac surgery, and then post-op, as many of our spry septuagenarian operative candidates do, he had quite a bit of difficulty with ICU delirium. Where I work, even if you are medically stable to leave the ICU, sometimes if our esteemed grownups (aka physicians) think your delirium makes you unsafe for the nurse to patient ratio on the floor, you stay in the ICU. Well thank the lord, because now we have a plethora of Cap'n Coronary quotes.

Note of clarification: the captain was actually a Navy man, then a tugboat captain back in his employed life. His delirium was frequently set in that context, hence we all referred to him as captain. 

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In this scenario the captain had mitts on (restraints that look like big boxing gloves, so the patient can still move around, but can't pull out say, their central line like the Cap'n seemed to want to do).

Cap'n: "Hey girl, girl! Get over here."

A: "Yes sir?"

Cap'n: "Untie me!"

A: "No sir, have to leave those on until you stop pulling things out."

Cap'n: "Well now, how am I going to swim when I fall overboard? I'll drown!"

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Cap'n: "Hey you! Girl! Come here! You got big titties...  get in bed with me!"

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A: Trying to distract the agitated captain... "Hey Cap'n Coronary? You're from Bayside aren't you? Did you know that's where my grandparents live? Do you know Grandma and Grandpa A?"

Cap'n: "Yea, yea I know Grandpa."

A: "Well Cap'n, what do you think he'd say if I told him you were trying to bite his favorite granddaughter?"

Cap'n: "He'd say 'bite harder,' and disown you for treating me like this. You're getting cut out of the will Missy!"

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Lastly I leave you with the mental picture of a white-hair old guy in a hospital gown, with these slippers on. He wore them every morning for rounds. You're welcome.