New rule

New rule.

If you squirrel my call, a stabbing that of course was the only interesting call of the night, you then have to also squirrel the next call I get toned for (which, by the way, should have been your call).

This second call, of course, will be a nice rectal bleed at the nursing home.

Not that this happened tonight or anything...

PSA for bikers in all black

Dear lady on the bike,

Kudos on your healthy lifestyle. Not many people have the dedication to be riding their bike to whatever destination they may need to get to when its raining and 230am. But you, clearly are superior to them.

However, I just want to inform you of one little thing. You are incredibly lucky I didn't kill you tonight. And if I had done so, no one would hold me liable. Because you see, you're an idiot.

Only an idiot would 1) wear entirely black clothing, 2) including a solid black helmet, 3) while riding a black bike, 4) that doesn't have any lights or reflective striping, 5) in the middle of the night, 6) when it is raining and foggy and 7) run a red light without even slowing down, 8) cutting in front of an ambulance with it's emergency lights on.

Not only is that an incredibly idiotic combination of life choices, a good portion of them are illegal. (I mean, what did you do, pry off the little reflector thingy that's on the back of every bike I've ever seen??) However, I'm very glad I didn't hit you and kill you. I feel very lucky. Because ambulances are known for their precision stopping, especially in the rain. (Siiiike.) And I really don't want to kill anyone.

Good luck next time.

xoxo,

A

No I wasn't driving that car...

So the other night at about 0300, I responded for a motor vehicle accident at a busy intersection. Well, it's a busy intersection at not 0300. But still, apparently busy enough for some guy to T-bone another guy.

So we get on scene about the same time as the engine to find two sedans, one with pretty decent intrusion on the driver's side (the T-bonee) and one with a crumpled front end (the T-boner). I went to see the T-boner, while my partner went to see the T-bonee with the engine company in tow to maybe cut him out of his smushed car.

As I approach the T-boner car, I see a young male in the front seat with a fair amount of bleeding from a nice lac on his head. He seems a little dazed when I start talking to him. He's a little squirrelly, but talking to me.

Then the cops show up. Which they usually do for MVAs... My friend Mr. T-boner took one look, jumped out of the car and bolted for the woods.

Me: "Uh guys... guys...?"

Police Department: "Who's that guy? Why's he running?"

Me: "He probably caused the wreck... and doesn't seem happy to see y'all. And I'm definitely not chasing him."

Cue multiple officers running for the woods as well.

They come back a few minutes later with my lovely patient in tow. Turns out drunk and bleeding from the head makes running stealthily kind of difficult.

He denies that he was the driver. He seems confused over the fact that he can still be arrested while denying that he was driving. Even though 1) I IDed him. 2) His driver's license that he conveniently left on the front seat IDed him. 3) He has an otherwise unexplained bleeding gash on his forehead. And 4) the police caught him running from the scene. But I mean, we should probably take his word for it.

He blew a 0.22. I'd be confused too.

Old people rule!

So we went to pick up a lovely 91 year old lady in the middle of the night, who had no chief complaint and didn't want to go to the hospital, but whose family wanted to go to sleep. Or at least that's the best I can figure.

She was super demented, but friendly and chatty. On our way out, she quipped, "Does it really take 4 men to carry me out?"

I came back with some sarcastic comment about them being weak.

To which she promptly proceded to put up her dukes, started air boxing and yelled, "Let me at 'em. I can take 'em."

Love her. Want to keep her.

Feijoada

I think one of the best things to cook for a group of people coming and going is soup. It can stay on the stove, people can grab a bowl when they get a chance and everyone's fed. Not to mention, soup is generally pretty easy to make. The problem is though... soup gets boring. You can only eat chicken noodle or tomato soup so many times.

So I like to try new soup recipes. I came across this one for feijoada, which is apparently the national food of Brazil. I got my inspiration from this recipe. The author states that her recipe isn't that authentic, and since mine is altered from hers a bit, I guess mine is really not very traditional at all.


 -olive oil
-1 small red onion, chopped
-1 tbsp minced garlic
-10 sausages
-2 handfuls of baby carrots
-1 tsp balsamic vinegar
-1/2 tsp cumin
-1/4 tsp thyme
-2 pinches of salt
-1 tin of tomato puree
-1 1/2 cups of red wine
-1/2 cup water
-1 can of red kidney beans (16oz)
-1 can canellini beans (16oz)


In a large pot, start with a healthy drizzle of olive oil. Heat and saute garlic and onions for several minutes. The garlic should be fragrant and the onion translucent. Add the balsamic vinegar. Meanwhile, slice the sausages into bite-sized pieces. Add sausage and carrots to the pot, allow the sausages to begin to cook over medium-low heat. Season with the thyme, cumin and salt.

While the first ingredients are heating up a little bit, mix together tomato puree, the wine and water. Once blended, pour into the pot. Adjust heat to a light simmer, cover and allow to cook for 30-40 minutes.

After that time, add the beans to the mix. Stir in gently so the beans don't get mashed up. Let cook at least 15 more minutes. It can cook on low for as long as you want, which will let the flavor meld more and more.


Fair warning, the wine flavor is strong. I'm sure the alcohol is cooked off, as I don't seem to be stumbling about, but you can definitely taste the wine. I think next time I would use some spicier sausages too for some extra flavor.

I loved this recipe and all the boys did too. You know soup is good when all my boys eat it.

Yes, definitely call 911 for that

Communications: "Medic 41, for the unknown problem... Caller reports that a man is trying to cash a check on foot in the drive-thru lane of the bank."

......? This is a EMS issue...?

I condemn you to hades

Middle of the night... 60ish year old white guy walks into the ER through the ambulance bay carrying a lady of about the same age in his arms like a baby. Thinking she was dead or something, several of us ran over.

"Sir, sir... what's going on??"

"Well you see. This is my wife. 'Bout once a year or so she just does this. The doctors say she's cat-o-ton-ic or some such. Pretty sure that just means crazy. But she'll wake up in a few days."

He lays her on a stretcher, write his phone number down on the white board in the room, and walks out, saying, "Y'all just call me whenever she wakes up."

This lady is not actually catatonic. She does a fairly good job of playing possum, but when you sneak your eyes open to peek at me when you think my back is turned, I can tell you're faking. But she was determined to keep up her charade, so we just kind of worked around her.

So I'm sitting on one of those roll-y stools, drawing blood out of her hand. One of the techs is standing up near her head chatting with me. She literally hadn't moved in the past 2 hours or made any noise. So we both turned towards her when suddenly she yanked all of her limbs inward, sort of fetal position-esque, and made a noise that can only be described as a cross between a pterodactyl attacking and a dying pig.

Then she flung all of her limbs out, punching Jack the tech in the face and kicking me square in the chest. Jack gets knocked against the sink, whereas I went flying backwards, falling off the stool when I hit the glass door of the room. I lost consciousness briefly from my head hitting the glass and/or the floor. Five seconds later, I wake back up to Mrs. Catatonia pouncing on me on the floor. She starts clawing my face and neck. And then she moves on to attempt to strangle me, speaking her first real words of the night.

"I condemn you to Haaaaaadesssssss."

Around about then, Jack came to his senses, grabbed her off me and threw her back on the bed. Simultaneously about 30 other staff members came running in because of the ruckus.

It's kind of funny now. It wasn't really funny then. Let me tell you, there's not much in life scarier than a wild-eyed crazy lady jumping on top of you and condemning you to Hades.

PS: This story is way better when I tell it verbally. Say "I condemn you to Haaaaaaadessss," in a creepy, gravelly voice. And picture this: